The divorce between Betthenny Frankel and Jason Hoppy is not amicable, despite what she once believed would happen.

Frankel has been giving a lot of thought to how far apart she and her ex have drifted, and it's really sad. She feels blindsided by the whole thing.

At the time of the split, Frankel released a statement in which she said that she and Hoppy hoped to "amicably co-parent" their daughter Bryn, who turns 3 next month.

Now, in an exclusive interview with PEOPLE, Frankel says she can see that's going to be a challenge.

"I really did think it would be amicable. I absolutely did," she says. "I wrote that entire statement myself. And every single word, I believed to be true."

But with the messy divorce dragging on, she knows she was wrong, and now sees things more clearly.

"Someone said to me recently, 'We see what we want to see.' And I guess, at the time, that's what I did," she says.

Yet she optimistically said "The truth of the matter is, you go with your gut at the time," she says. "Whatever I'm going through now, I'm certain that I'll learn something from it. When the clouds pass, I will figure out what the silver lining was."

Bethenny Frankel and Jason Hoppy were last seen together on April 19th entering an New York City courtroom to come to a mutual agreement over their pending divorce. It won't be easy, since Frankel and Hoppy are dealing with millions of dollars in assets, and Bethenny is now fighting for full parental custody.

An eyewitness says Frankel arrived to court looking frail, tired, and underweight, while ex-husband Hoppy was "tan, put together, sharp and well rested." Hoppy was still wearing his wedding band, but the "Bethenny Ever After" star was not.

The reality star turned talk show host has plenty reason to be exhausted these days.  Looking after a two year old, running a multimillion dollar empire, and starring in multiple television shows can't be easy for the native New Yorker.  Adding a messy, heartbreaking, publicized divorce to the mix... Frankel looks less like her formal glamorous self and more in desperate need of a nap.

Frankel, 42, split from husband Jason Hoppy, 41, a pharmaceutical sales exec, just before Christmas. The pair married in March 2010 on her reality show "Bethenny Getting Married" and filed for divorce in January 2013.

The duo, who are parents to 2-year-old daughter Bryn, did not acknowledge each other when they entered the courtroom.

Attorneys spent time discussing financial disclosure. A forensic expert was brought in to value Frankel's business interests.

A confidentiality agreement was also proposed, and Frankel's attorneys will be filing her statement of net worth later today.

Allegedly, Bethenny is also asking the court for full custody of daughter, Bryne.

Bethenny will have to prove that she is a more fit parent than Hoppy, taking multiple parental tests and digging up reasons why Hoppy is not as fit to look after Bryn as she is.

She will have to argue that he should receive meaningful visitation but not make day-to-day decisions over the child.

Wow, Bethenny has a lot to deal with!

In a past interview, Bethanny opened up about her divorce:

 "It's rough. I have to say, divorce is the most difficult thing you could ever go through in your entire life," said the "Bethenny" host.

Though at first Bethenny announced: "We have love and respect for one another and will continue to amicably co-parent our daughter who is and will always remain our first priority," as the trial gets closer, the Skinny-Girl CEO is clearly changing her tune.

She told morning anchor Greg Kelly On April 11th that divorce is a "brutal, unnatural situation."

"I never heard how excruciating it is," she admitted, adding that she "never thought" she'd be in this situation.