Dean McDermott has experienced some dark days since cheating on wife Tori Spelling.
The actor and reality television star recently revealed in an interview with Access Hollywood Live that he contemplated suicide after admitting his infidelity to his wife of 8 years. While discussing his decision to quit the couple's Lifetime show "True Tori," McDermott also gave a few details about that difficult time in his life.
"The fact that I cheated on my wife, I wish never happened," said McDermott told Access Hollywood's Billy Bush and Kit Hoover on Wednesday. "I wish my alcohol and drug use hadn't gotten out of control. I still love her to death and that's why we're still together."
McDermott checked into rehab in January to take care of "some health and personal issues." It was later revealed that the actor's rehab stay was due to alcoholism and suicidal thoughts caused by his guilt over cheating on Spelling, with whom he shares four children.
"I almost lost everything, everything that means anything to me," McDermott told Access Hollywood. "I don't want to ever do that again. I don't ever want to be in that dark place again where I wanted to take my life."
"I was driving around in my truck with a loaded 9 mm. I was put on a 5150 at the UCLA psych ward," he recalled. "[My son] Liam had a performance and I didn't want to miss that performance... I had plans that night to do it."
McDermott revealed that continues to hold on to the belief that he and Spelling can work through their marital issues.
"I hold out a lot of hope," he explained. "If you don't have hope what do you have? I love this woman, regardless of what I've done. I love her and want to be with her. I want to grow old with her at this moment she feels the exact same way."
As for "True Tori," McDermott is done with the Lifetime series for now.
"We have five more shows left. I can't do this anymore," said the star. "I can't keep opening a vein, opening my soul and sharing my feelings and thoughts and demons with the world. I don't watch it. I can't. It's really difficult. I can't do it anymore, for my soul."